crazybrave

Can everyone please sms “Kyle” to 19 10 10? Please? Then they might make him go away.

I have the evil lurgy, and no attention span whatsoever. I can’t manage a real book, so I picked up the freebie sampler of first chapters from Voyager’s new titles, Voyager being “the premier fantasy and science fiction list in Australia” according to the back of the book. It started reasonably, but quickly descended to this kind of stuff:

And now we were confounded, for even as had happened in the land of the sunset, our migration into the land of longer summers had met with disaster. The man-things of that region had proved to be even more cruel than those we had encountered in the land of the sunset, and our dear Vlagh shrieked in agony as we swiftly bore her away from the broad water which grew larger and larger with each passing of that which brings light to her realm.

Thank you, David and Leigh Eddings for bringing us “Crystal Gorge”, book three of the Dreamers trilogy (of course).

I’m not the biggest science fiction fan in the world, and this crap is not going to help convert me. Yea, my own Vlagh did verily shriek in agony. And again yea, the post title is all the Eddings’ work too.

1. Make some nice sandwiches and a thermos of something soothing to drink. Put on comfortable shoes, and go to the toilet. Perform exercises to strengthen smiling muscles. Gird loins.
2. Make your way to the nearest Telstra shopfront. It may be helpful to hum some inspirational music on the way. “Ride of the Valkyries” did the trick for me. Remember, on no account should you raise a complaint with Telstra via the telephone. There is no evidence that those “people” answering the phone are in fact human.
3. Discreetly yet deftly verify that you are dealing with a human in the shopfront. (Check for weird eye stuff, odd skin texture, etc).
4. Explain your problem clearly and succinctly. Make them ring Telstra.
5. When they ask what would be satisfactory if the obvious solution is not possible, refuse to countenance any alternative, less satisfactory solution. Smile.
6. Maintain equilibrium when the “people” on the other end of the phone tell the shop human that they are “reluctant” to fix the stuff up. Casual mention of law degree and potential outbursts of vicious temper can be made at this point, but only with a smile and head tilt.
7. Say “yes” when they say “would you like to make an escalated complaint?” Smile.
8. Go back the next week, and escalate your escalated complaint because no one has been in contact with you. Smile.
9. Repeat steps 1-8 until desired result acheived or complainant expires.

It’s the question on everyone’s lips today, innit? Apolgies to The Sherriff and Krankiboy whose “ring ring” concept was so delightful I hadta rip it off.

And yes, you just do a google image search for “sideshow bob” to find him! And yes again, everything little revealing snippet here is straight from his own keyboard.

Hi, you’ve reached Victor Spankum’s Special Adult Introduction Service. My name’s Jenny. How can I help you?

I am stag at the moment, and thus lumbered with free time on the weekends, which are usually sacrosanct.

Which means you’d like to meet a special someone?

I’m so dry and cracked I may just be dessicated coconuts.

I think I get your drift. So, what kind of person are you looking for?

Mmh, lesbian Swedish twins…

Not sure we’ve got any twins on the books just at the ‘mo. Anything else appeal?

Babe-nerds with inflatable fiery fun bags!

Bit low on them too. Keep trying.

An old bloke in a dress? Or, maybe, a young bloke in a dress. Better yet, an altar boy.

Oooh, people tend to get very cross about the altar boys, but we can perhaps arrange some outfits.

There should be more of it. That and pirates.

Aah, beg pardon?

There’s not nearly enough pirates on TV.

So you’re looking for a religious pubescent gay pirate?

You are a very bad lady. I have created a monster.

Oh, never mind, we get all kinds here. Perhaps we should have started with you telling me a little about yourself? Where have you been looking for love?

Here. There. Everywhere. You know how it is.

No, not really, but enough about me. How would you describe yourself physically?

Mmyeah – discretion, valour et cetera.

That’s not really going to read so well. You want to give me some more detail?

Yes, my skin is this yellow, and I only have eight fingers. I like to think of myself as somewhat cinnamony.

Tattoos, piercings, novelty items?

Unsightly – albeit highly aquadynamic – webbing.

Well that certainly qualifies. Hobbies?

Ever wonder what chicken tastes like?

Err, no. Hobbies?

I eat lions for breakfast. With marmalade and strong coffee.

Well, I’m not getting a match from our registered profiles so far, I must say.

Come over to the Dark Side, give in to your true nature!

Oh pet, I wouldn’t be working here if I was alienated from my Dark Side. It’s in the Selection Criteria.

Was this an attempt at humour?

Still can’t work out who Fyodor is? Check out the many truths here:

Cut Price Commentariat (and snaps to Liam for the banner design)
Flop Eared Mule
For Battle!
and possibly Larvatus Prodeo, you never know.

Goodness me, I can’t tell you how many latte sipping overeducated mothers of small children of my acquaintance have been kept sane by listening to Radio National on some of those loooong days at home with little people.

I’ve even taken to listening to the right wing Phillip Adams, Michael Duffy, on a Monday afternoons. I’d certainly rather listen to him talk to Racial Realist (TM) Associate Professor Andrew Fraser of Macquarie University (just) than hear Terry Lane ask Bob Carr why he wasn’t Jim Cairns, which also happened yesterday afternoon. Just briefly, I felt Bob’s pain.

(And speaking of right wing journalists, and channeling Miranda Devine here for a moment, have a look at this picture and tell me Janet Albrechtson couldn’t use some lippy:

Oh God, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.)

Anyhoo, so AssProf Fraser was blathering on about how Africans are dumb but sporty. And for anyone under a rock since this all started, I’m not making this up, the bloke genuinely believes that the White Australia policy should not have been “discarded” and that “it’s just a fact” that an increasing black population around Parramatta will lead to increased crime.

It was a pretty bloody soft interview I thought, but Fraser did all the best work himself:

Michael Duffy: Do you think the Sudanese people around Parramatta would have been offended or hurt by what you said?

Andrew Fraser: Well, they claimed to have been. I personally don’t believe it. I mean, I think really, once again, it’s a stick to beat me and white Australia over the head with. They are a group of people who, once again, have a clear sense of their identity as Africans, and a clear desire to promote their particular ethnic interests.

Those blacks are so dumb they couldn’t possibly be offended by being called stupid and criminal on the basis of their race. I hope one of them kicks him in the shins and runs away very fast. Apparently they’re quite speedy, them nigras.