I had so much fun doing it last year, I decided to do it again.

7:24 I don’t think I can handle the suspense any longer. *pours drink*

7:28 The ALP members appear to be quietly singing “We are the conservatives” to the tune of Queen’s “We are the Champions”. All the pretty ones are sitting right behind Wayne with their best lippy on. The plainer ones are sprinkled about and seem to all be wearing cerise jackets.

7:31 omg, heeeeere’s Swanny! Just seeing someone other than Peter Costello up there gives me a deep sense of smugness.

7:33 We live in uncertain times. This will be a budget without gimmicks or bribes. Things are tough and getting worse all over the world. The surplus is $18.5 squillion! But this will be the results of our own effort and sacrifice. Not for us the gormless pantywaist style of the last mob who just waited for all the lollies from the pinata to fall at their feet. We make it happen because we are the party of Toughness!

7:35 Labor will fulfil its promises to Battling Working Families. Labor is all about being modern, and about the future. Rich cunts will not drive modern cars in the future as we shall make them even more expensive. They will also have to pay all the tax they owe, even if it’s on a capital gain. We all have to make sacrifices, and we are for the Battlers Working Families like no government before us.

7:37 New Labor is about getting the fundamentals right. That’s why we’re going to completely re-envision the way it goes about its business. We’re going to investigate the tax system – root and branch. We’re going to get the head of Treasury to tell us what bits are rooted and then we’ll get the maths whizzes who organised our branch stacking in NSW and Victoria to fix it all up.

7:38 There will be downward pressure on interest rates. There will be downward pressure on inflation. There will be downward pressure on prices, particularly at the supermarket and the service station. In fact Labor will ensure that downward pressure is so omnipresent it is a matter of some doubt whether the daffodils will manage to raise their sunny little heads next spring.

7:41 This budget, and Labor, are about the long term. So instead of offering nasty middle class welfare like the Liberals, we’re going to decline to increase university funding.

7:44 We do really care about rural and regional Australia and so will build fancy infrastructure with bad public art every regional centre. Except Canberra, which lacks Working Families, particularly since all the public servants under the Kevin 24/7 regime glued their shiny bums to their chairs and stopped going to their homes. Without Working Families Canberra beyond the perimeter of Parliament House is a pointless waste of resources and we’re going to stop funding it altogether.

7:47 Doctors are good and we shall have more of them. Also Nurse Practitioners, especially in the country. Private health insurance is … I didn’t get that bit, he just kind of did the spirit fingers in front of his face. Medicare surcharges are bad for Working Families, and can get stuffed. You can use that money to pay for the dentist, ‘cos we’re not covering that.

7:49 Partially or Somewhat Working Families who wish to become Fully Functioning Working Families will be encouraged and supported. With cash. Non Working but Caring Families will get some more help.

7:51No more baby bonus for the toffs! No matter, they’ve already got a plasma telly. What’s this – childcare rebates through the roof! Non Indigenous parents who are on welfare won’t get the rebate because they are not Working Families and don’t use childcare. They may be send to the naughty step clutching their debit card just like the Indigenous parents because they are not Working Families either we are not racialists.

7:53 Superannuants who pay no tax and have become accustomed to randomly appearing government cheques in the mail are safe and need not take up the pokies to fulfil their need for surprise windfalls.

7:55 We’re tough. You didn’t think we could be this tough, did you. Well showed you. Damn missed another bit, something tricky about climate changes or the environment, as we have two relevant Ministers and at least one of them needs to be kept busy because we’re not only tough, we’re visionary.

8:02 It’s over. Swanny smiles, but thinly.

8:04 Oh dear, Brendan doesn’t look well. He’s kind of bending over,and a bit green around the gills. I think he’s just vomited into the Despatch Box. Malcolm Turnbull is looking at the Coalition members. One by one. He looks concerned, yet stoic. Just over his shoulder you can almost make out the shadow of a shiver slowly circling the opposition and fading, fading …