Entries Tagged as 'In which Zoe cracks herself up'

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

The little blog lives again!

And it’s all down to this guy:


I don’t think I’ve ever been happier on a Tuesday morning.

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

I have needs, you know

To celebrate the joy that is finding out that Liam can resurrect your neglected blog after you’ve casually deleted it, I present you with my annotated needs, via Pavlov’s Cat, Bernice Balcony and Uncle Google:

Zoe needs To Assert Dominion Over Her Pod
Indeed, the Pod is a malestorm of coughing, deep sookiness and explosive diarrhoea. In fact if anyone fancies swapping pods for a few days, please do leave a comment.

Zoe needs a middle name
Correct. Not only is “Ann” dull as dishwater – lacking even an elevating “e” – I was named for my paternal grandmother, who turned out to really be called Nancy all along. Things could have been worse, as my maternal grandmother’s name was Ethel Mary.

Zoe needs a stylist and food
Correct, but not in that order.

Zoe needs to wear pants.
Oh, pants to that.

Zoe needs (Bristol) is on Facebook.
I don’t need Bristol, especially not if it’s Bristol Palin. And yes, I am on Facebook, but only fleetingly these days.

Zoe needs an intern.
And a dry cleaning account.

Zoe needs a reality check.
Because if I don’t, this kind of shit will happen.

Zoe needs more Space at Zac Posen Fall Winter Fashion Show.
So she can get a good backswing up on her handbag and take a few of these skinny-legged idiots out.

Zoe needs a sister but she’s not getting one.
My 70 year old mother would heartily agree, while pointing out that Zoe already has a perfectly serviceable sister.

Zoe needs a good home.
Housetrained, affectionate, vaccinated and wormed – c’est moi.

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

Intellectual Rigour

I thought someone was having a little joke:

but I was wrong:


I bet Murat Aydemir’s mum pretends he’s a piano player in a brothel.

Monday, September 1st, 2008

wai u no lissen? u lissen u no get hurtz

Monday, May 12th, 2008


I had so much fun doing it last year, I decided to do it again.

7:24 I don’t think I can handle the suspense any longer. *pours drink*

7:28 The ALP members appear to be quietly singing “We are the conservatives” to the tune of Queen’s “We are the Champions”. All the pretty ones are sitting right behind Wayne with their best lippy on. The plainer ones are sprinkled about and seem to all be wearing cerise jackets.

7:31 omg, heeeeere’s Swanny! Just seeing someone other than Peter Costello up there gives me a deep sense of smugness.

7:33 We live in uncertain times. This will be a budget without gimmicks or bribes. Things are tough and getting worse all over the world. The surplus is $18.5 squillion! But this will be the results of our own effort and sacrifice. Not for us the gormless pantywaist style of the last mob who just waited for all the lollies from the pinata to fall at their feet. We make it happen because we are the party of Toughness!

7:35 Labor will fulfil its promises to Battling Working Families. Labor is all about being modern, and about the future. Rich cunts will not drive modern cars in the future as we shall make them even more expensive. They will also have to pay all the tax they owe, even if it’s on a capital gain. We all have to make sacrifices, and we are for the Battlers Working Families like no government before us.

7:37 New Labor is about getting the fundamentals right. That’s why we’re going to completely re-envision the way it goes about its business. We’re going to investigate the tax system – root and branch. We’re going to get the head of Treasury to tell us what bits are rooted and then we’ll get the maths whizzes who organised our branch stacking in NSW and Victoria to fix it all up.

7:38 There will be downward pressure on interest rates. There will be downward pressure on inflation. There will be downward pressure on prices, particularly at the supermarket and the service station. In fact Labor will ensure that downward pressure is so omnipresent it is a matter of some doubt whether the daffodils will manage to raise their sunny little heads next spring.

7:41 This budget, and Labor, are about the long term. So instead of offering nasty middle class welfare like the Liberals, we’re going to decline to increase university funding.

7:44 We do really care about rural and regional Australia and so will build fancy infrastructure with bad public art every regional centre. Except Canberra, which lacks Working Families, particularly since all the public servants under the Kevin 24/7 regime glued their shiny bums to their chairs and stopped going to their homes. Without Working Families Canberra beyond the perimeter of Parliament House is a pointless waste of resources and we’re going to stop funding it altogether.

7:47 Doctors are good and we shall have more of them. Also Nurse Practitioners, especially in the country. Private health insurance is … I didn’t get that bit, he just kind of did the spirit fingers in front of his face. Medicare surcharges are bad for Working Families, and can get stuffed. You can use that money to pay for the dentist, ‘cos we’re not covering that.

7:49 Partially or Somewhat Working Families who wish to become Fully Functioning Working Families will be encouraged and supported. With cash. Non Working but Caring Families will get some more help.

7:51No more baby bonus for the toffs! No matter, they’ve already got a plasma telly. What’s this – childcare rebates through the roof! Non Indigenous parents who are on welfare won’t get the rebate because they are not Working Families and don’t use childcare. They may be send to the naughty step clutching their debit card just like the Indigenous parents because they are not Working Families either we are not racialists.

7:53 Superannuants who pay no tax and have become accustomed to randomly appearing government cheques in the mail are safe and need not take up the pokies to fulfil their need for surprise windfalls.

7:55 We’re tough. You didn’t think we could be this tough, did you. Well showed you. Damn missed another bit, something tricky about climate changes or the environment, as we have two relevant Ministers and at least one of them needs to be kept busy because we’re not only tough, we’re visionary.

8:02 It’s over. Swanny smiles, but thinly.

8:04 Oh dear, Brendan doesn’t look well. He’s kind of bending over,and a bit green around the gills. I think he’s just vomited into the Despatch Box. Malcolm Turnbull is looking at the Coalition members. One by one. He looks concerned, yet stoic. Just over his shoulder you can almost make out the shadow of a shiver slowly circling the opposition and fading, fading …

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

Memo to the bare-arsed kid at the side of the road

1. Dude, have you considered chucking your brown eye at people on the way in to Queanbeyan, as opposed to those leaving? You are only acting to confirm the prejudices of Canberra based snobs* on the way back to civilisation, eg me.

2. Have you also considered that I am warm and comfy in my car, and you’re the one standing on a grassy verge with your arse in the air?

Yours sincerely


* There is actually quite a lot to like about Queanbeyan. My prejudice stems from when we first moved here (from Enmore, near Sydney’s epicentre of Thai restaurants) and looked to rent a house there, thinking it would be cheaper. It wasn’t, but what really sealed the question was the sandwich board outside a Thai restaurant on the main street saying “A Thai meal doesn’t have to be hot or spicy!”. Well, actually, it does. Der.

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Olympic torch reaches Canberra at last -no protesters seen

Amazing that orange tissue paper, ay?

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

With respect to the expression “as silly as a bum full of smarties”

We are having a bit of domestic discussion about this phrase, which seems to be from the movie “Kenny”.

Owen is of the view that the “bum” in question is a homeless alcoholic type who has found a full packet of smarties, consumed them, and gone off on a crazed blood sugar high. However, I think Owen is wrong and that his explanation amusingly shows up his hypochondriacal Virgoan tendencies. I think the truly stupid thing would be to stuff one’s rectum full of smarties. Now that is silly. Also, it is funny, whereas only Virgos think that indigent alcoholics having insulin attacks is the kind of thing that you would make up a joke about.

If anyone goes to those nerdy pedant sites and can nail the origins of this one for me, I’d be very grateful. Also happy to hear anything you’d care to make up.

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